We all have our thing; You might be afraid of commitment, or heights, or maybe you're afraid of dying. Regardless of what it is, we're all downright terrified of something.
What am I so afraid of? Something much more debilitating than any of the things I've listed above. I'd take a gamble with death over what I carry around any day.
I have an absolute crippling fear of opening myself up to anyone.
That may not sound like that big of a deal to anyone who's never been through it, but it's absolutely agonizing. Imagine going through every day feeling like you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, then multiply that weight for every person you hurt in the process. Why? Because you don't just hurt yourself, you hurt the people who love you. That alone is a huge burden to carry around with you.
I don't know how I ended up like this, and looking back I think my best friend of 11 years is the only person in this world that I have ever completely opened myself up to. She knows every deep, dark, and bloody detail of my upbringing, my secrets, my heartbreaks. She knows so much about me, that this one sickening fear of mine is probably the one thing she's left in the dark about.
I don't know how it took me 22 years to realize this about myself. I guess it took the love of my life slapping me in the face with it. Now, all I want is to get to the bottom of this.
I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to continue to feel this massive weight on my shoulders anymore, and I don't want to hurt him. I know that ultimately if I don't fix myself, I'll probably lose him and I don't think that's a loss that I could come back from.
I'm taking a trip down memory lane trying to figure out what triggered such a deeply seated fear in me. The biggest thing that stands out in my mind is all the fighting. I know that has affected more parts of me than just this.
I spent the first 12 years of my life in a household where there was always yelling, always people walking out, doors being slammed, and tears being shed. My dad finally walked out without a trace, only to be replaced by a worse version of him that was around until the time I was 18. The 3 years following that were spent with a boyfriend who didn't give two shits about my feelings. I was called names. I was neglected. I was never beaten, but I almost wish I would have been. The physical shit heals, the emotional beatings I took still haunt me. I think in those 3 years, not speaking became a habit of mine. It was easier to keep quiet than to argue with him. He was never worth that then, and he sure as hell isn't worth it now. I blame myself for letting it go on for so long. It was only after he left me, that I came to realize I was worth a hell of a lot more than anything he ever could have given me.
I don't want to be afraid with Mike. He's given me no reason to be. I'm afraid of being hurt though, and I know completely opening myself up to him is the easiest way to give him the opportunity to break me. I trust him not to, but all the nitty gritty details of my emotions and secrets are enough to humiliate me sometimes, and that being said I'm thoroughly afraid he'll think I'm crazy and he'll walk out on me and opening myself up would have been for nothing.
I don't want to keep living my life in fear like this. I love Mike from the deepest parts of my soul. Even with this burden I carry around, he's brought more light into my life than I ever thought possible. I want to grow old with him, and have a family with him; but I know none of that will ever be possible if I don't fix myself.
This is just a baby step on this long journey, but at least it's a start. If I can write this down for public eyes to see, then talking to someone close to me shouldn't be that big of a deal... right?
No comments:
Post a Comment