My biggest fear.

We all have our thing; You might be afraid of commitment, or heights, or maybe you're afraid of dying. Regardless of what it is, we're all downright terrified of something.
What am I so afraid of? Something much more debilitating than any of the things I've listed above. I'd take a gamble with death over what I carry around any day.
I have an absolute crippling fear of opening myself up to anyone.
That may not sound like that big of a deal to anyone who's never been through it, but it's absolutely agonizing. Imagine going through every day feeling like you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, then multiply that weight for every person you hurt in the process. Why? Because you don't just hurt yourself, you hurt the people who love you. That alone is a huge burden to carry around with you.
I don't know how I ended up like this, and looking back I think my best friend of 11 years is the only person in this world that I have ever completely opened myself up to. She knows every deep, dark, and bloody detail of my upbringing, my secrets, my heartbreaks. She knows so much about me, that this one sickening fear of mine is probably the one thing she's left in the dark about.
I don't know how it took me 22 years to realize this about myself. I guess it took the love of my life slapping me in the face with it. Now, all I want is to get to the bottom of this.
I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to continue to feel this massive weight on my shoulders anymore, and I don't want to hurt him. I know that ultimately if I don't fix myself, I'll probably lose him and I don't think that's a loss that I could come back from.
I'm taking a trip down memory lane trying to figure out what triggered such a deeply seated fear in me. The biggest thing that stands out in my mind is all the fighting. I know that has affected more parts of me than just this.
I spent the first 12 years of my life in a household where there was always yelling, always people walking out, doors being slammed, and tears being shed. My dad finally walked out without a trace, only to be replaced by a worse version of him that was around until the time I was 18. The 3 years following that were spent with a boyfriend who didn't give two shits about my feelings. I was called names. I was neglected. I was never beaten, but I almost wish I would have been. The physical shit heals, the emotional beatings I took still haunt me. I think in those 3 years, not speaking became a habit of mine. It was easier to keep quiet than to argue with him. He was never worth that then, and he sure as hell isn't worth it now. I blame myself for letting it go on for so long. It was only after he left me, that I came to realize I was worth a hell of a lot more than anything he ever could have given me.
I don't want to be afraid with Mike. He's given me no reason to be. I'm afraid of being hurt though, and I know completely opening myself up to him is the easiest way to give him the opportunity to break me. I trust him not to, but all the nitty gritty details of my emotions and secrets are enough to humiliate me sometimes, and that being said I'm thoroughly afraid he'll think I'm crazy and he'll walk out on me and opening myself up would have been for nothing.
I don't want to keep living my life in fear like this. I love Mike from the deepest parts of my soul. Even with this burden I carry around, he's brought more light into my life than I ever thought possible. I want to grow old with him, and have a family with him; but I know none of that will ever be possible if I don't fix myself.
This is just a baby step on this long journey, but at least it's a start. If I can write this down for public eyes to see, then talking to someone close to me shouldn't be that big of a deal... right?

Reminiscing

Things like this, they melt my heart but they hurt so badly at the same time. 

You're probably wondering why they hurt. They hurt because they never last. We all try so hard in the beginning, and then it just slowly dies out. I think relationships would go a lot further if we didn't stop doing the things we did when we are first persuing someone.

We've been together 1 and 1/2 years, and there is nothing in the world that would make me happier than seeing a message like this on my phone again. 

I'm not trying to rag on him or anything, because I'm sure I've changed too. 

I just want it back. If that's even possible.

If there's some secret out there, someone let me in on it. 

It's not that I think he loves me any less because I don't see these things anymore, but the reassurance is always welcome. 

Plus, who doesn't want to feel those butterflies like we do in the beginning? 

Objects.

The world is disgusting.

I could go on for ages about this topic and never get a majority of people to see eye to eye with me. Especially men.

I don't agree with anyone being objectified, but why does it happen to women so much?

Playboy mags, bikini baristas, strip clubs, and breasts in damn near every movie we see. 

I want to blame it on men being pigs, but it's society as a whole.

Not only is it disrespectful, but what kind of example are we setting? Ladies now days think we need to have giant breasts, be a size 0 and look basically flawless to be desire able. It's pitiful. 

I'm not a feminist by any means, I'd just like to see women get an ounce of respect and stop being objectified so much. We shouldn't feel so pressured to look a certain way. 

And why doesn't it go both ways?  I'm not saying I agree with it regardless of who you are, but does this garbage happen to men? Are we seeing dicks all over in our TV programs and ripped, shirtless men serving our lattes? No. 

I want to know other peoples take on this. I know it can be a sensitive subject, but I want to know what you've all got to say about it. 

Because he deserves more;

Nearly every day he asks me the same question, "What's wrong?"
and nearly every day, I give the same response, "Nothing."
Then I ask myself the same questions over and over, "If nothings wrong, then why do I feel like shit?", "Why don't you just tell him what you're really thinking?"

I don't know why I put myself through this. I don't know what it is that's so scary about just opening my mouth and telling someone the truth about what I'm thinking or feeling.
I don't know why I feel like I need to hide from the world.
I think I have some preconceived notion that my feelings don't matter, or that the things I feel aren't "normal."
I don't know if it's a fear of judged, or a fear of being abandoned.

I've struggled with it for most of my life, the thought that people just leave.
I guess I'm terrified that one day I'm going to say the wrong thing, or feel the wrong way and it's going to cause someone to just walk out of my life.
I shouldn't care so much about that, because in all actuality if they're that willing to get up and leave, they probably shouldn't have been a part of my life anyway.
The thought of losing someone I love is the single most terrifying thing in this world to me.
I've said it before, when I'm old if my life partner dies before me, I don't think I'd be able to live anymore.
A life without love is not a life worth living in my books.
I love Mike from the deepest parts of my soul. I want so badly to be able to open myself up to him, but every time I try, I freeze. The words literally will not leave my mouth.
I know it's frustrating for him, because he can see it in my eyes that I'm unhappy about something, and it pains me knowing that I put him through this.
If I can't do this for me, I guess I at least owe it to him.